I woke up the first time this morning around 4:30 AM. That has become the customary time I start the waking up process for the day since I started chemo. I was fully awake, with coffee in hand, by a little after 6 (some mornings I am able to drink really weak coffee – small pleasures). I started my morning humming a song called, “Nobody Greater,” by Vashawn Mitchell, talking to Jesus. I was reflecting on how down I have felt the last several days. Sunday night I cried myself to sleep at the thought of having to continue to do chemo for the rest of the summer into the Fall. But, when I heard my bird friend stirring outside my window, before he began to sing, something shifted in my heart. The heaviness began to lift. As I talked to Jesus, I was able to tell Him He still has my, ‘Yes,’ even in the midst of chemo and the ups and downs of my emotions about it.
I am growing and maturing in my relationship with Jesus in ways that may not have been possible without breast cancer. I’m growing to understand my, ‘Yes,’ to His free gift of salvation doesn’t stop at the foot of the cross or in a natural sense during the Sunday service alter call invitation or however it is that the decision to invite Him into your heart is made. Not if you are seeking a relationship. That is just the beginning. My yes encompasses the totality of our life together, similar to what the “I do” in a marriage ceremony is supposed to mean. I am in this with Him and He with me through good days, not so good days, sickness and health, financial crisis or living in the lap of luxury, tragedy or triumph…but for us, not even death can separate us! Somehow the faifulness of my bird friend, showing up every morning, singing outside my window, reminded me of God’s faithfulness toward me and my commitment to be just as faithful to Him.
Before my daughter, Jasmine, left for work this morning I told her I decided May 2nd is the last day I will shed a tear in sorrow about having to do chemo. My 3rd chemo is on May 4th and my daughter, LiAnne’s, birthday is May 3rd. So, May 2nd seemed like a good day to be done crying about it. I don’t know that I will ever not have some days where I’m a bit overwhelmed and upset with the whole process, but I am going to get the last of my tears out by May 2nd. I have to do this 10 more times over the next 6 months. If I am going to cry tears of sorrow, it is NOT going to be about chemo. There are a whole lot of other aspects of the cancer treatment process I can cry about if I choose to. But, I’m hoping I can start to just cuddle up with Jesus and enjoy as much of the ride as I can. I have never had this much free time. Nobody expects anything from or asks me for anything. Most conversations I have with my family, friends, or the wonderful people God has placed in my path thus far start with, “Is there anything you need?” That alone is a true blessing. Not to mention the army of people willing to remember me in prayer.
Years ago, when I cried just about every night as quietly as I could so no one would hear me, Jesus said, “I am capturing every tear you cry in sorrow and will return them to you as tears of joy.” That is a promise I am STILL cashing in on daily! For today, I am thankful I serve a promise-keeping God who is true to His Word 100% of the time! The scripture I am anchoring His promise to is Psalm 56:8 (NKJV) “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”