4 Down 8 To Go… Losing Myself

I started the day earlier than I usually do for chemo yesterday. My appointment was at 8:00 AM instead of the usual 8:45. I woke up not necessarily looking forward to it, but not dreading it either. I was at peace. It was a pretty gloomy, rainy day, but I had a smile in my heart and on my face. I also took another three dozen doughnuts with me, which were an even bigger hit this time. There were smiles all around and several staff members asked me what bakery I went to, because the doughnuts were so fresh and delicious. Mission accomplished upon arrival. The doughnuts brought the Sonshine on an otherwise dreary day.

When I went to the lab to have my blood drawn, I told the phlebotomist I brought doughnuts and to make sure she got one while they were still warm. She smiled slightly and said, “Thank you, but I don’t think I can eat anything.” She went on to say she had so much on her mind that was weighing on her that she didn’t even realize she hadn’t eaten dinner the night before. I asked her name and told her I am praying that God will speak peace to her mind, calm her spirit, and arrest whatever it is that is causing her such anxiety. I told her not eating just won’t do. I assured her there is NOTHING Jesus can’t fix. Her countenance lifted a bit.

When I saw my oncologist he complimented me on my new hair do and said I looked really good. He was pleased with my white blood count and that I was able to get over the cold I had for the last two weeks. He said we will just continue on schedule and take one treatment at a time. Then it was off to the Infusion Unit.

My Infusion Nurses, Tracy and Kim, were very pleasant. They put the doughnuts out for the other patients to have if they wanted one. It was a really peaceful atmosphere. When Tracy put the needle in my chest to get the party started, it didn’t hurt as much, which was a wonderful blessing. I generally have pain in my chest and my shoulder for a few days after chemo. My sister Leslie (pictured above), went with me. Because of the earlier time, the unit was fairly empty when we arrived. So, Leslie was able to sit in one of the big comfy, reclining chairs next to me and do some work while I listened to music.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in January I started a cancer journey playlist. It has grown considerably since then and is filled with all kinds of songs. Any song that I wake up singing or comes to my mind and can’t get out of my head or I hear and it speaks to me, it makes the list. One of the songs on the list is “Lose Yourself,” by Eminem from the 8 Mile Soundtrack. When it played during chemo, the words jumped off the music so much so that I listened to it several times. 

Just in case you haven’t heard or don’t remember the song because it is so old I’ll tell you what I heard. The beginning of the song is Eminem talking and he says, “If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you wanted in one moment would you capture it? Or just let it slip?” The rest of the song continues that line of thought with the chorus declaring, “You better lose yourself…the moment you own it…never let it go…do not miss your chance… this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” Another line of the song says, “Better capture this moment and hope it doesn’t pass…”

As I sat in the Infusion Unit listening to Eminem passionately rapping about his fight and determination to not miss his moment I thought about not missing mine. It seems I am naturally wired to think of everyone else, but me. Thus far in my journey, even when I was angry with Jesus, my heart’s desire has been to magnify Him for somebody in the midst of this. Then it would all be worth it. It wasn’t until I was listening to Eminem talking about losing himself in the moment for his passion, music, that I thought, looking around the Infusion Unit, ‘I don’t want to miss this moment.’ As crazy as it sounds this is MY moment, this is my one shot at doing cancer with Jesus, because I am NEVER having cancer again. And I don’t want to miss all that He has for ME in it. When I say that I don’t mean stuff. Things have never mattered much to me. Now that I have had a stroke and cancer things really don’t matter to me. 

Like, Eminem, I want to lose MYSELF in this moment so I can come through this looking more like Jesus than I ever thought possible. For me, the everything I want is just that Jesus is able to use my life in any way He chooses and when people see me they see Him. I want to capture this moment, because it is giving me the opportunity to know Jesus in ways I have not known Him before. I want to lose myself in this moment so Jesus can freely remove from me whatever needs to be removed and magnify in me the things about me that I don’t see that need to change. I don’t want so much of my attention to be outward that I don’t grab hold to this moment and let it slip away without gaining all I need from it. 

The other day while I was talking to Jesus I told Him I want my life experience to be, “Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. (Matthew 6:10 NKJV)” And if the pathway to that goes through cancer or whatever else this life may bring, I’m ALL IN! Today I realized for me, my “worst case scenario” isn’t death, financial loss, losing relationships (two divorces cured me of that!), losing stuff, or any of the things that used to fill me with fear or make me feel like my world was coming to an end. My worst case scenario is leaving this place not having been everything God created me to be and being the biggest, brightest, loudest cheerleader for Jesus that I can be! For today, I am thankful that in 2002 Eminem recorded a song that Holy Spirit used 15 years later to speak to me in such a profound way during my fourth chemo. Marshall Mathers (Eminem’s real name) has unknowingly solidified his spot on my random, people-I-don’t-know-personally prayer attacks list. 

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