Journeying to the Other Side of Breast Cancer: Some Days Feeling Helpless, But Never Without Help

Last night I got to spend the evening out with my family at a farewell dinner for my nephew, James, who is going active duty in the Army. Together my older sister, Leslie, and I have six children. She has three boys and I have three girls. Most of our first cousins on my mom’s side of our family have children about the same age as our children. Collectively, we are all one big immediate family. James is the youngest of our children.

There are very few things I love to do more than spending time with my family. We are a big, loud, lovable (depending on who you ask, lol) bunch. Knowing I was going to see the people I love most last night set the tone for my day yesterday. I woke up not feeling great, but no complaints. I had something to look forward to. I was able to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast and drink a cup of light coffee (any day I can drink coffee is a GREAT day). I ate something small midday, hoping I would be able to eat at dinner. I was able to do some lower body toning exercises. By late afternoon I started getting myself together to go to dinner with my family at 7 PM.

It takes me so much longer to do everything since I started chemo. Trying not to look as bad as I may feel is a major production. It took me approximately 3 1/2 hours to shower, do my hair, put on makeup, and get dressed. And I still wasn’t completely ready when my sister arrived at 6:30 PM to pick me up. As I was doing my hair I noticed how much it has grown since I got it cut the week I started chemo in March. I smiled at God’s faithfulness when I recalled what Dr. Mendoza said during my visit before my 3rd chemo last week. He said, “If your hair hasn’t fallen out by now, it isn’t going to.” He said it isn’t uncommon to not lose all of your doing the chemo I chose to do. Even still, to me, it is a miracle and one less reminder of cancer when I look in the mirror.

When I am getting dressed it’s hard not to look at the scars on my chest, especially the one where the port catheter is. It is so prominent. I try not to think about the fact that at some point they will have to reopen that incision to take the port out. But, I guess that will be a happy day. It will mean I am finally finished with all of this! I’ve never worn a lot of makeup, but find myself putting more on, especially under my eyes. I can see the dark circles forming and how exhausted I look most days. Yesterday as I looked in the mirror I felt so helpless. Though I have been able to maintain my weight (with a lot of effort), I still saw someone who looked frail, tired, and beaten down. 

It’s amazing how your natural eyes can play tricks on you if you allow them to. Before tears had the opportunity to form in my eyes, I could hear Jesus whisper to me, “You may feel helpless right now, but you are never without help. I am your very present help in your times of trouble. I am your hope. I am your strength. I am your peace. Any and every thing you need Me to be I AM.” When I looked in the mirror again through His eyes, through the eyes of my Hope, I didn’t see someone frail, tired, or beaten down. I saw a beautiful warrior with the scars to prove it!

For today, I am just thankful for today. Psalm 46:1 (NIV) says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Isaiah 26:3 (NLT) says, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” John 14:27 (NLT) says, “I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” My Hope is in Jesus and Jesus alone. I know I can trust Him to always be true to His word. Though some days I may feel helpless, I am never without help and I will never be hopeless!